I Like My Critics Angry

If you play video games and British sarcasm is your cup of tea (god, I'm such a hack), then you really should check out the series of reviews by Yahtzee Croshaw called Zero Punctuation. Above are a few choice snippets of his hilariously scathing game reviews... just don't blame me when he makes you question why you like your favorite game...

Begun, The Clone Wars Have...

An unemployed single mother of six. still living unmarried with her mother recently gave birth to octuplets, and apparently not everyone seems to think this is a good idea.

What I want to know is this: How does this woman, in this economy and with no visible means of support, afford the fertility treatments necessary for her to accomplish this dubious feat?

Here's what I suspect... Jon and Kate Plus 8 is the top-rated show on TLC. It's basically a documentary of the lives of parents Jon and Kate and their eight children—a set of fraternal twin girls and a set of sextuplets (three girls and three boys). The show follows the family through their daily lives, focusing on the challenges of raising multiple children.

Somewhere there is a low-level television executive that figured $10,000 was a small price to pay to generate his own cash cow, and is now sweating bullets hoping no-one discovers his tie to this media fiasco. Someone needs to pay for turning this woman's vagina into a clown car.

Breaking News: Men Are Lazy Pigs!

A scientific study was recently released, discovering that male college students like to play violent video games and download porn.

Let me get this straight... hard-earned taxpayer money was given to researchers at Brigham Young University and this is the best they could come up with? Hell... they could've given ME that grant money and I could've told them that...

What mysteries are these wacky Mormon researchers going to plumb next? Expect to see some ground breaking work done in the field of "Is water wet?" soon...

Too Much of a Good Thing

A 28 year old Texas woman has finished her ninth surgery to become the proud possessor of the world's largest breast augmentation. She had to travel to Brazil in order to enlarge her FFF cups to a KKK cup (naw, too easy... make your own joke), because apparently Texas physicians refused to perform the procedure for fear her breasts would explode.

Now, the last time you were shopping around for a place to have major invasive surgery, did South America enter your thought process at all? The only things that comes to mind when I think of South America are guinea pigs and rainforests... neither of which I suspect are very sanitary...

DaHjaj 'oH QaQ jaj Daq Hegh!

Colorado Springs police are reporting that a man carrying a bat'leth is robbing 7-Elevens in the area. So far, no-one had been injured and the suspect is still at large.

I'm pretty sure that if I was manning the counter at a 7-11 and some dink walked in with one of these, I'd be too busy laughing to put up much of a fight. Although, if he made his demands in Klingon, that would be pretty damn cool...

Forget Typhoid Mary. Here's Malaria Bill

Apparently, while speaking at the Technology Entertainment and Design conference in California a couple of days ago, Bill Gates unleashed a swarm of mosquitos into the crowd to raise malaria awareness, stating, "Not only poor people should experience this.."

First of all, This is some serious super-villiany shit. The fact that if everyone in the room sued him for this he could pay the damages out of pocket is kind of scary. If Bill ever gives a lecture on sewage treatment, I would recommend not attending.

Secondly, this has to be the most bugs ever released by Mr. Gates since Windows ME...

You're Going To Get What You Deserve

If for some reason you haven't joined the rest of us in the 21st Century, on February 17 your TV is probably going to cease to function. The House of Representatives voted to postpone the mandatory shutdown until June, but apparently several of the networks have decided to ditch their analog broadcasts anyway.

So, if you are still using a frickin' TV antenna to watch television, when it goes dark here in a few days just step out of your cave and bellow your frustation at the dinosaurs ambling by.